“Be miserable. Or motivate yourself. Whatever has to be done, it’s always your choice.”

– Wayne Dyer

Self improvement is hard. It’s also time consuming and risky. Fortunately, those who fear the commitment of bettering themselves now have an alternative:

The guide to being miserable

By following these incredibly easy steps, you too can become miserable. Unlike success, misery takes next to no effort and can be had instantaneously. Without further ado, I present you with several simple tips to making your life that much worse.

1. Over consume.

Make sure to fill every waking moment with some form of external stimulus. Watch movie marathons, spend hours in front of the television, and obsessively play video games. Although you’ll eventually begin to develop a vague sense that you’re wasting your life away, you can easily drowned this thought by upping your dosage trashy TV. If you aren’t spending at least half your day being entertained, you’re doing something wrong.

2. Never create.

Don’t read books, lift weights, learn another language, play music, or start a blog. These types of endeavors take time, something that you “don’t have.” Between television and video games, your day is already booked.

3. Doubt yourself.

Even if you get the urge to do something meaningful, you should realize that there’s some chance that you might fail. Rather than focusing on the positives, make sure to fixate on whatever risks there may be. After a few days of deliberation, declare the opportunity “too dangerous,” and return to your previous ways.

4. Never take action.

Assuming that you’ve properly followed steps 1 – 3, you shouldn’t ever reach a point where taking action is possible. If, by some chance, you do see an opportunity, make sure never to pursue it. Taking advantage of a situation sounds like work, and work is to be avoided whenever possible.

5. Fear failure.

Don’t just fear this possibility that you yourself will fail, but make sure to remind others that their plans could go awry. Is a co-worker going on vacation? You’d better inform him that there’s a good chance terrorists will blow him up. Is your friend starting a business? Don’t forget to warn him about the economy. Everyone will be grateful for your “wisdom.”

6. Do the minimum.

It’s 4:59 on a Friday afternoon and you’ve got an inbox full of unanswered emails. Sucks to be whomever sent those messages, because you’re out the door. Remember, the only people who get promotions are nerds and the boss’ family. There’s no way that you’ll get ahead anyway.

Good luck, I’ll see you at the bottom.