“For someone who was never meant for this world, I must confess I’m suddenly having a hard time leaving it.”

– Vincent Freeman, Gattaca

Ants scurry across my body. They infest the park bench I sit on. A group of girls play Frisbee nearby. Sirens wail in the distance. A white girl clad in traditional African clothing marches past.

I eat free ice cream. A religious club is handing it out. They use it in hopes that young people will be enticed into joining their upcoming mission trip to the Arctic Circle. Inuit heathens still roam the tundra. It would be a shame to let people from a cold weather climate spend all eternity burning in hell.

I read a bulletin board. There’s a guest speaker next week. She’ll be discussing the detrimental effects that twerking has on the feminist movement. Envisioning her audience forces me to stifle a laugh.

Squad cars descend like vultures. Terrified students are rounded up like cattle. You can fight in the army but god forbid you drink a beer. I walk away from the raid. Party time is over.

I’ve gotten a weekend’s worth of college experience. All it cost me was a tank of gas.

“We are dealing with the best-educated generation in history. But they’ve got a brain dressed up with nowhere to go.”

– Timothy Leary

1. Making eye contact.

Looking someone in the eye has become a lost art. When people walk by on another they look down. At dinner they stare at their phones. Learn how to make eye contact. It takes very little effort and will garner respect.

2. Developing a firm handshake.

During freshman year of high school, my gym teacher yelled at me for having a terribly flimsy handshake. Since then I’ve made sure to implement a better grip. Now I actually get compliments on my handshaking abilities. Unfortunately most guys did not get the same lecture I did. Almost every week I encounter a “man” whose handshake has the consistency of a wet noodle.

3. Changing a tire.

Although I live in a very self-sufficient state where everyone works on their own cars, most Americans will never be exposed to such an environment. While reading a forum, I discovered that most people my age are incapable of doing any sort of basic vehicle maintenance. The poster, who apparently owns an auto body shop in Florida, made mention that a slew of young men come in and ask him to replace their flats. For the sake of comedy he offers to let them use his tools, free of charge, to replace the tires themselves. Almost all of them decline, citing that they are unaware of how to do such a task. If you’re going to drive, you should know how to put on a spare tire, change the oil, jump start a car, and replenish washer fluid.

4. Shutting the f*ck up.

Watching the Colbert Report does not make you an expert on world politics. Changing your Facebook profile picture to an equality symbol won’t make you an activist. Unless you have an original insight, keep it to yourself.

5. Surviving in the wilderness.

Modern man is weak. He cries after forgetting to take his phone into the bathroom with him. Take a weekend and spend it camping in the woods. You don’t have to drink your own urine or wrestle a bear. Simply take a break from modern technology. Doing so will teach self-reliance.

If you have any additional recommendations, feel free to leave a comment.

“How do you teach somebody to be creative? You can’t.”

– Aaron Clarey, Worthless

Until this spring I never thought that my major was useless. No one ever mentioned it. If anything people congratulated me on my decision. “Good job Robert, the world needs more essays on Iambic pentameter.” Most people, myself included, simply never think about the value of certain skill sets. Providing the definition of situational irony isn’t critical for anyone’s survival.

Despite their futility almost all my peers are going into some kind of Liberal Arts major. I know one Computer Scientist, two Electrical Engineers, an Actuary, and a Civil Engineer. Everyone else is going into Psychology, Communications, Marketing, Music, or English. A conservative estimate would indicate that, outside of class, roughly half of them take no interest in their major.

Assuming that you’re interested pursuing a degree in Liberal Arts, I suggest two inexpensive alternatives:

1. Buy some books and start a blog.

The vast majority of Liberal Arts majors boil down to nothing more than reading and writing. Buy $100 worth books on a subject that you’re interested in. As you read through the material, write about it online. Join a forum that’s centered on your studies. If your intended major was more dynamic, like music or theater, spend at least an hour a day honing your skill. At the end of the week go out and perform whatever it was you were practicing. There are plenty of open mic nights to attend and community plays to audition for. If you can’t find either, start producing podcasts and Youtube videos that showcase your talents.

2. Have fun.

You’ll be a pretty lousy artist if you spend all day in your comfort zone. Screw around, use the money you saved by not attending class to go an adventure. See a concert, go to a rave, do something you’ll regret. While you shouldn’t murder your wife and get addicted to heroin like William S. Burroughs, I would suggest doing an activity that’s at least mildly edgy. Enter a martial arts tournament or something.

You won’t make any money from following my advice, but you won’t lose any either. Plus, you’ll have plenty of free time to engage in classic student activities like sleeping all day and marathon viewing television shows. However, if you’re really interested in getting straight to the big bucks, might I suggest becoming a plumber?

“You aren’t going back to school? Oh… Good luck I guess.”

– Person I know

Coming out of the closet, about not going back to school, was one of the hardest things I ever did. Most people assumed that I either failed out, or am incredibly lazy. It’s annoying.

I decided to take a year off because I don’t feel like my education is worth the high price tag. Since I’m not majoring in a STEM field there’s nothing to warrant tuition costs. I’d rather invest my time and money into something with a more substantial payoff.

According to my research the average University of Iowa graduate had $27,000 in student loans. At the current moment I have no loans. Assuming a horrible fiscal tragedy struck and I ended up with absolutely no money, I’d still be $27,000 ahead of my peers.

Secondly, I’d rather spend my time working towards my own goals. In the time it takes to write an essay about the symbolism in some bland book, I could have written something that wasn’t a lame rehashing of another person’s opinion. Aside from writing blog posts, I didn’t author a whole lot over the last semester. Although partly due to my own laziness, I was also burnt out from writing. Making up essays drains my enthusiasm for penning anything in my free time. In fact, Brains & Brawn was written over spring break while I waited for some friends at a bar.

Thirdly, I don’t believe cool people only exist on campuses. Aside from a small handful of people, the words “original thinker” would not be used to describe most of my classmates. I’ve actually met way more interesting people through striking up random conversations in random locations than I have from attending classes or joining school organizations. When you’re in school everyone is roughly the same age and comes from similar backgrounds. The people I’ve met and befriended in the real world are far more diverse and interesting than most of the folks I’ve had class with.

Lastly, the “college experience” is vastly overrated. I don’t need to spend tens of thousands of dollars to go to a party or “find myself.” The last time I was severely depressed, I left the country and went to Belize for three weeks. I learned more about myself and the world from those 21 days than I have from two years of school. If partying or forming your own identity are the only reasons you want to attend a college, skip school and visit another country. You’ll be exposed to far more at a fraction of the price.

I’m not using my time off to sit around smoking pot and watching TV. I’ve got a job, side businesses, hobbies, goals, a mountain of new books, and a plan for my future. I highly doubt my life is ruined.

“College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?”

– David Wood

If I’ve learned 10 things from the past two years of school I’d be shocked. My major was going to be English. A useless degree. I thought about switching to Computer Science, but it’s not something I want to make a career out of. I love writing.

Since my freshman year I’ve learned far more from reading and writing on my own than I have from any class. Going to the library and reading Hemingway, Conrad, Hunter S. Thompson, Nietzsche, Epictetus, and Dale Carnegie taught me far more than most of my professors. I’d rather pay a quarter in late fees than hundreds of dollars for the opportunity to read such “classics” as A Doll’s House and Beloved.

After reading Aaron Clarey’s Worthless, I decided to try taking a break from academia. Aside from having a normal job, I’m using the time to work on my writing career and online business ventures. I also want to use this time to develop some life skills that aren’t taught on campus. Additionally, I decided to live with my parents to save money. If this year goes well I’ll be making a big move to another country, if it doesn’t I’ll be able to pay cash for next year’s tuition.

While I’m a little bummed that I’m not going back to college, University of Iowa just got ranked the number one party school in America, I still think I made the right choice. Plus, I planned a bunch of mini vacations throughout the school year. And I suspect that they’ll outshine any house party.

I look forward to sharing my adventure with you. It’s going to be interesting to say the least.