“Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.”

– Oscar Wilde

I’ve had several people ask me what they should talk about when conversing with strangers. To answer this question as best I can, I’ve devised a little cheat sheet based on my own experiences. Read on and enjoy.

Openers & Topics:

• Do you know if [insert object]… ? – “Do you know if they sell kiwi? I’ve recently started drinking homemade juice and wanted to make this one fruit drink, but no one seems to have the ingredients in stock.”
• You look like your having a hell of a time. – “You look like your having a hell of a time. Until I saw you, I had thought I was having the most fun.”
• Is [insert book/phone/food] any good? – “Is The Great Gatsby any good? I’m really excited for the the movie, Leonardo Dicaprio does an awesome job in everything.”

All of these examples utilize minimal functionality. There’s no reason to create intricate routines in attempt to instigate conversation. Instead, stick to a simple opening statement and follow it up with some brief dialogue that will engage your listener. This formula has worked for me almost every time.

I also want to briefly address what not to do. These are all common mistakes that are easily repeatable. Messing up and doing one of the following won’t have catastrophic repercussions, but it will make your interaction a lot more difficult.

Openers & Topics to avoid:

• Where is [insert place or object]? – “Where is the fruit isle?” This is a bad opener because it can be answered in a linear fashion and lacks any kind of follow up. Once you get a response the conversation is pretty much over.
• Any complaint. – “This place sucks,” “I feel stupid,” and “I don’t like that,” all make the conversation really awkward. No one likes a whiner, and your negative mood will dampen the interaction.
• Inappropriate subject matter – Talk about things that are congruent to your environment and the person who your talking with. If you’re at a club, don’t try and tell a story about work. Likewise, don’t tell your coworkers about how awesome “Thirsty Thursday” was. Also avoid saying anything offensive. This doesn’t mean you have to be boring, it just means that telling people a story fit for 4Chan probably won’t win you any friends.

If you think I missed out on anything or would like to share your own tips, feel free to leave a comment.

 

“Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.”

– Joss Whedon

I could sit here and tell you to “always be yourself,” but that would be terrible advice. When you don’t innovate your personality, you stagnate. You wake up one morning and realize that you’re a 500 pound virgin whose sole accomplishment in life was playing a ton of Nintendo.

When I wrote yesterday’s post I only included half the story. Before ever picking up a philosophy book or bag of juicing carrots, I had been the definition of average. I wasn’t some weird Dungeons & Dragons guy, but I was socially awkward. I wasn’t morbidly obese, but I was flabby and looked really gross without my shirt on. I wasn’t a do nothing, but I was incredibly lazy and would only put in a minimal effort. You get the idea.

All these little things bothered me, always lurking in the back of my mind. One day I snapped. Nothing out of the ordinary had happened to me, and that’s what triggered it. The actual event occurred while I was eating a ham sandwich in my car. I looked around, it was snowing outside and the landscape looked bleak. I thought to myself “I hate my life.” Until that point, I had always been fine with “being myself,” now I wanted better.

When I got home I did three things: I looked up passport requirements, bought a book on picking up women (for scientific reasons only), and watched some YouTube videos on exercise. Before going to bed that night, I wrote the following on an index card:

“I want to spend New Year’s in Brazil. To make the most of my trip I am going to save money, work out, learn some Portuguese, and become a more interesting guy.”

I spent the next several weeks secretly scheming about how I would achieve my goal. I started to read books and blogs about saving money, nutrition, and Brazilian society. I also started practicing everything I read. For the first time ever, I was imitating someone else. It was great.

As time progressed, I started to acquire more traits from others. I learned how to negotiate, since my parents didn’t want me to leave the country, and how to make compromises. Eventually I managed to talk them out of not letting me go anywhere, and parlayed into being allowed to travel to another English speaking country.

By checking my ego and deciding that “being me” sucked, I ended up having one of the best times of my life. Not only did I have fun, but I had also begun to cultivate a winner’s mentality. Planning that trip was the first major goal I ever set, and it taught me the value of working hard and stepping outside your comfort zone.

“It is what it is.”

– Ted Turner (while discussing his failed marriages)

Being alone provided me with a lot of free time. I used this time to explore. I watched documentaries, listened to lectures, read books, and aimlessly browsed the Wikipedia. On the surface these activities may not sound important, but I consider them to have had a tremendous impact on my interactions with the world.

By locking myself into a perpetual cycle of learning, I uncovered numerous sources of “esoteric” knowledge. I studied obscure philosophers, alternative health, ancient Japanese swordsmen, and strange theories on human existence. The deeper I delved into this “forbidden” knowledge, the less I could relate to others. For some reason I began to think of myself as “superior” in some way. I’d take my knowledge and hide it from the world. This elitist mentality eventually reached the point where I spent almost an entire summer by myself, studying away in isolation like a medieval monk.

 

In hindsight, I think my mentality was fueled more by fear than pride. You can only deviate so far from the social norm before becoming a “freak.” I was afraid that everything I believed and practiced would be ridiculed, that society would ostracize me. Instead of face that fate I chose self-exile, figuring that it would yield the same destination while saving me the embarrassment. This was one of the top five stupidest decisions I ever made.

When I finally got over myself and started expressing my opinions, my social standing actually improved. People were interested in what I had to say and were intrigued by my unconventional viewpoints. The actual me, the one I had spent so much time trying to conceal, turned out to be a pretty cool guy. In the end it didn’t matter what I thought or did, as long I was myself.

P.S. If you thought the moral of this story was too positive, you’ll like tomorrow’s post.