“Give me a dollar and I will teach you how to make a dollar.”
– Old saying
Today’s post is an excerpt from my unfinished Kindle project, How To Make Thirty-One Cents A Day From Blogging. The book is a satirical mockery of the get rich quick genre, and acts as a sort of “how-not-to” guide for young bloggers.
The following advice comes from the summary page at the end of a chapter entitles “The Big Cents.” I hope you enjoy it:
Cheat Sheet: The Big Cents
- Google Ads
If there’s one thing that everyone is always guaranteed to click on, it’s a stock photograph of teeth with the words “dental secrets the professionals don’t want you to know” superimposed on it. I can’t tell you how many thousands of times clicked that link. Bonus points for slathering your webpage in various Google ads.
- Out of place Product placement
Ignore your blog’s target audience and write posts endorsing whatever items will give you the biggest sales commission. Make a post about steak knives and publish it on your site about retro video games. 20 -year-old gamers are always on the lookout for new stainless steel kitchenware. Post an endorsement for “Lusty Sailors 5” on your blog about raising Golden Retrievers. After all, dog owners are the largest consumers of nautical themed gay porn. It doesn’t matter who the audience is, they’ll automatically love whatever you do.
- Obnoxious donation requests
At the beginning, middle, and end of each post you should include a donate button. Random Internet strangers are known for throwing money around like rappers at a strip club. Most of them will probably donate at every chance they see. Also, be sure to include a statement about being poor in ever single post. Readers have bad memories and will otherwise forget.
If you follow these simple steps, I guarantee that you’ll be seeing the big cents roll in within no time.*
*By which I mean years.