“A society made up of individuals who were all capable of original thought would probably be unendurable.”
– H. L. Mencken
Over the weekend I decided to compile a short list of things that average people do and don’t do. If you’d like to be like them simply follow this guide to being mediocre:
Do not develop a hobby.
Spend all your free time watching television and playing video games. Learning how to do something like make fishing lures, fix a car, write a novel, or play the guitar take up way too much time. Between working and sleeping you barely have time to squeeze in your 40 hours of weekly TV viewing. Spending an hour a day on a new skill would be way too difficult.
Do not read books.
Books are expensive and boring. They take up way too much of your time and there are no funny beer commercials in between chapters. Also you already read enough at work.
Identify with a group
Instead of doing some research and formulating your own opinions you should immediately latch onto an existing organization. Join the Republican party, side with the Democrats, go to Greenpeace rallies, do whatever requires the least amount of thinking on your part. Forming an identity is hard, it’s better to merely adapt someone else’s dogma.
Do not go to the gym.
The gym is for dim witted meat heads. They’re really stupid and probably compensating for their latent homosexuality. If you do decide to exercise, make sure to go to a fitness center that doesn’t allow scary weightlifters. Planet Fitness recently installed a special alarm for people who feel threatened by anyone in better shape than them.
Do not start a business.
Making money is hard. Anyone who runs a business inherited it from their parents or was born rich. Despite there being thousands of books and free videos on entrepreneurship, you shouldn’t bother with any of them. Even simple stuff like writing articles is way too difficult for you to learn.
Do not save money.
Dave Ramsey is a religious quack. Budgeting only works for rich people who don’t have all the expenses that normal people do. Between the $70 you spend on your normal cable package, the $40 a month exclusive cable sports pass, $215 in fast food, and $100 for Starbucks you hardly have anything left to put into savings.
Do not eat healthy.
Cooking is a lot of work and really expensive. It’s not like there’s anyone who can eat healthy on a tiny budget. Also health food tastes awful. Your better off eating out all the time or buying frozen dinners. Lean Cuisine is probably good for you since it has “lean” in the name, right?
Do not respect yourself.
The other day I saw a post on Reddit where a guy got into an argument with his girlfriend so she sent naked pictures of herself to his friends.* While I was expecting the post to conclude with a story about how the boyfriend kicked the girl out and went on a road trip to Las Vegas, things ended a lot differently. Instead the guy whined about how the whole ordeal was his fault.
If you don’t have your own business you aren’t going to be able to tell your boss off when he asks you to come in on Saturday. If you aren’t in shape and confident you aren’t going to be able to dump “the love of your life” when she sends nude pictures to someone else because you didn’t take the garbage out immediately.
* I wasn’t entirely clear on who the recipient was, but it was another man and he knew the couple.