“Nobody has gotten a hand job in cargo shorts since ‘nam!”
– Seth, Superbad
Rather than waste your time with a list of reasons that you shouldn’t wear cargo shorts, I’m going to keep this simple. If you fall into any of the demographics below, it is perfectly acceptable for you to strut around in your finest pair of cargos.
If you’re under the age of thirteen you probably don’t buy your own clothes anyway. As such, feel free to cargo up. You can also get away with donning an extra long pair of tube socks, or whatever else your mom buys you.
If you shoot lions and live with African bushman you get a free pass to wear cargo shorts. If you don’t stab rhinos in the face every day you should wear jeans like a normal person.
Ugly lesbians, along with obese Wisconsinites, can get away with wearing whatever they want. Why? Because no change in wardrobe will make them look any more/less attractive.
Any self respecting man between the ages of seventeen and death should never purchase or wear a pair of cargo shorts. They make you look like an asexual dweeb who’s biggest thrill in life is a biweekly trip to Home Depot.